Hundreds of thousands of trans individuals across the country rejoice following the Southern Baptist Convention’s recent resolution denying the existence of trans people.   

The declaration by the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) that “gender identity is determined by biological sex and not by one’s self-perception” and the convention’s accompanying resolve to fight “all cultural efforts to validate claims to transgender identity” is widely expected to result in the sudden, miraculous disappearance of the people whose lives are now known to be fictitious. Trans persons eagerly anticipate the presumably imminent moment of sweet dissolution, when they will vanish into peaceful non-reality.

“I’m sure that I’ll blink out any minute now,” said Cathy Johnson, a trans woman from Baltimore, where the powerhouse conservative denomination voted against her existence on Tuesday. “After all, if the SBC says it, it must be true! I just hope I fade out soon—I wouldn’t want to inconvenience them by sticking around too long after they’ve erased me. I’m really looking forward to non-being.”

Many trans people are expressing an appreciation for their own nonexistence equal to Johnson’s, citing experiences of bullying, loneliness, and depression as reasons for their joy at learning that their lives had never been real in the first place. 

“The rest of the resolution seems almost like overkill,” Johnson continued. “After all, now that trans people don’t exist, there isn’t any reason for the SBC to oppose hormone therapy and gender reassignment surgery, to work against legislation protecting trans people, or to condemn parents and teachers who affirm trans individuals. They don’t even have to worry about how media portrayals of trans people will sully the minds of their children, since there aren’t any trans people to portray!”

Matt Portier, one of the 15.7 million members of SBC churches, is delighted that his denomination has finally licensed him to show true Christian love to his trans neighbors by invalidating their lived experiences. He has only one reservation. 

“My objection isn’t that the resolution says that if you pray hard enough, you won’t be transgender anymore,” Portier explained at a party where he hosted trans people who were thrilled to discover that their lives are foundationless fantasies. “Some other Baptists are raising objections because similar past reasoning about sexual orientation led to the endorsement of ‘ex-gay’ therapies that they think were harmful. But that’s silly, because we know that sexual orientation doesn’t exist either.” 

“No,” Portier elaborated over the chatter of trans people impatiently speculating about how soon they would pop into oblivion, “I was just worried that now that we know that it’s dangerous to separate ‘gender identity’ from ‘the physical reality of biological birth sex,’ like the resolution says, we wouldn’t be able to say that God is male anymore. After all, only one of God’s three persons has a biological birth sex. But then I looked back at the resolution and I was reassured to see only masculine pronouns, so I guess we’re still good.” 

Portier’s fear that the resolution may be too liberal appears to be unfounded. Southern Baptist authorities confidently claim that the resolution obliterates not only trans people, but also any individuals whose careers, hobbies, or styles of speech and clothing do not match up with the genitally determined guidelines prescribed by the SBC.