If you’re a Gypsy here in the States, I don’t need to tell you about our home-grown racial profiling. The government has probably already taken you away from your Romani parents, or you’ve been bullied out of school, or you regularly lie about your ethnicity to prevent gadjé from catching on to you. It’s the whimsical life of the American Gypsy! But if you’re planning on taking trips abroad this summer to celebrate Gypsy, Roma, and Traveller History Month, there’s something you should know: European white people are the absolute worst. I’m not racist, but if you see a white person in Europe, just run and keep running.
Ways to recognize a European white person:
They tend to travel in packs.
- They wear drab and mostly unflattering clothing. Their jewelry is a little meh, and sometimes they wear hats.
- Occasionally, they dress up like a fairy tale version of us on acid in an effort to escape the miserable reality of their own mediocrity. This won’t confuse you. They will probably be covered in feathers and wearing a handkerchief as a shirt, and if they wear dikhle, they wear them wrong (maybe also as a shirt). You will have seen plenty of this on American college campuses.
- They tend to deny the Romani Holocaust even though half of the Romani population of Europe was murdered alongside the Jewish people, LGBTQ, etc.; even though it’s well-documented; and even though it’s likely you’re in the States in the first place because your ancestors fled the continent during or after WWII. It might not be their fault: they are a simple, primitive people.
- They may try to commit a hate crime against you. They work themselves into these bloodlusts, and then the government gets involved—maybe there’s a Fascist uprising—and then the whole thing is a big mess for the media to mostly ignore.
- If they’re of the political ilk, they might be saying things like, “Hitler didn’t kill enough Roma” or “Roma should be concentrated in camps.” This becomes their political platform.
- They steal children. Traditionally, the government takes Gypsy children away from their Romani parents and throws them into orphanages, where they’re abused, because they seem to believe that’s somehow better. But lately, the white Europeans have been busting into Roma neighborhoods and camps and rounding up the Gypsy kids who “look white” because white people who read Shel Silverstein’s poetry and aging politicians’ racist ramblings know that Roma want nothing more than to take home a white kid to feed, clothe, and protect as the world crumbles around them. You’ll see packs of these uniformed monkeys hauling “blond angels” out of the shanty-towns all over Europe because their searing prejudice made them forget how DNA works. And while they’re stealing kids away from their parents, you can hear them remarking on how filthy and poor we are on account of them denying us rights, jobs, and basic sanitation. Interpol is probably involved, but you can be sure they went through none of the proper channels. Typical white people.
- They’re dirty. They don’t wash their hands, they announce when they have to use the bathroom as if we all want to know, they kiss dogs on the mouth… You know, I’m not racist but they’re all a bunch of filthy, disgusting pale-faced Fascists. We should send them all to an island.
- They work in groups. First, they scream racist invectives with varying degrees of accuracy. One guy might shout “Pocahontas! You’re the last of the Mohicans! Be my Mohican bride!” because you’re wearing braids, or an old lady might keep it simple and say, “Go back to hell, gyppo!” This is a distraction technique—they mean to steal your wallet, then call the cops on some trumped-up charge like “being a Gypsy in public,” and watch the police beat your rights out of you with a baton. And keep an ear tuned for the more subtle, colloquial racism in the vein of the American favorite, “She gypped me!” This is deployed for a whole host of devious designs too much of a bummer to go into.
- Pro-tip: you can tell if your friends are white if they assure you after a racist attack, “Don’t worry, that bitch is crazy. You don’t look like a Gypsy at all—you can totally pass for white.”
*NOTE* Now I know the politically correct gestapo might be up in arms about some of the travel tips I’ve given, but rest assured that I have some white friends.