SOBAG: Speaking on Behalf of All Gays

When I saw the headline this morning about Rick Perry comparing homosexuality to alcoholism, I was steeling myself for the worst. I mean, this is the guy who is continuing to fight against gay marriage legalization in Texas even after the court rules their gay marriage ban unconstitutional, and accused the military of being a pawn in the gay marriage movement because the military wanted states to issue identity cards to same-sex spouses of their state militia soldiers.

But it turns out that Perry has finally found the perfect metaphor for me to talk about my own (and, I'm assuming, everyone else's) man-on-man sex addiction. I mean, just last night, while I had a mouthful of dicks (that's right, plural!) I was thinking how this act between three consenting adults is exactly like the hugely medically and socially destructive effects of alcohol addiction. It's like, I know my jaw will ache in the morning, and yet I just can't stop myself!

Before Perry shed light on this, I had just thought of my insatiable draw to all men's downstairs area as a force that I was unable to resist. I mean, how do you say no to a visiting Brazilian water polo team when they invite you back to their suite at the 6th Avenue Sheraton for a drug-fueled 36-hour fuckfest? (Though only poppers for me, I mean you have to draw the line somewhere!) The answer is you don't. You can't.

Because homosexuality isn't just something that's deeply ingrained within us— it's a disease. And if that disease makes you the middle of a spit-roast, then you're not to blame when the two smoking hot nineteen-year-old college students (I hope!) you brought home steal your wallet and laptop! (NB: the police do NOT agree with this opinion!)

Ultimately, though, I think the greatest gift that Perry has given all us gays is the mantra of Alcoholics Anonymous: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Or, as I read it, "I hope this STD test doesn't come back positive for the new incurable super-gonorrhea I heard is making it's way to the states from Japan that I might have gotten from that Asian businessman I blew in that bathhouse in Koreatown."