With increasing pressure on authorities and universities to prosecute what George Will succinctly deems “capacious” rapes and sexual assaults, little girls across the country have begun to look forward to the dearth of advantages that will come with their statistically probable rapes.

As hawk-eyed opinionist Will correctly points out, surviving a rape increasingly comes along with “coveted status that confers privileges,” thus causing “victims [to] proliferate.” Preteen girls ages 9-13 have rapidly begun to replace anticipation of a first day of college—or even, in some cases, a wedding day—with aspirations for a perfect first rape.

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” says Jenny Markham, a brown eyed sixth grader from Lansing, Michigan, “and I just hope it’s someone I know, like that girl in Philly.” She is, of course referring to this local celebrity who claims an acquaintance had sex with her against her will in a dorm room.

That’s nonsense, according to sandy-haired voice of reason Will. The accuser had been “hooking up” with the alleged perpetrator for months, which as the sagacious opinion aficionado George Will rightly points out, makes the entire situation, once again, “capacious”. And now, of course, little girls across the country see the positive opinion and public sentiment heaped upon these “victims” and want their own storybook rapes.

Jenny Markham continues, “I’ve been practicing feeling ashamed in front of the mirror in my room for when the police imply that I maybe wanted it just a little because I only said “no” a couple of times and didn’t scream. I’m really starting to feel horrible about myself, just like the comments sections on news sites say the other girls should.” The small girl pauses for breath, grinning eagerly through the pink and green rubber bands on her braces.

“I’m not flashy,” says Laurie Marquez, a shy adolescent from West Texas in a Disney Princess tee shirt. “I’d take maybe just a guy reaching under my skirt and calling me a whore, though probably that wouldn’t be enough to make a me a real celebrity like those girls that have to leave town because everyone starts threatening to burn their houses down. But that only happens to the most special survivors,” she adds quickly. “Don’t think I’ve got my hopes up or anything.”   

Where will it end? Girls as young as eight have taken to Tumblr to post screenshots of The Accused and blog about the best spots around their hometowns to fend off unwanted sexual advances. If Will, who as a paid possessor of an opinion is therefore an expert in the matter, is correct, this mass hysteria could lead to the prosecution of young boys across the nation who wanted nothing more than to have sex when their partner was unwilling. Devastating.