Hi, America! It’s women. And Mexicans. And Muslims. It’s Hillary, and Barack, Michelle, Sasha, Malia, Travon, Eric, and a lot of black people who aren’t your one black friend. He or she is alright and probably agrees with you but is too polite to say anything just like you’re too polite to ask. It’s gays. And trans people. And Jews and atheists. It’s poor people shoulder to shoulder with immigrants. It’s everyone who made America not the greatest it could be for you because you didn’t know how to explain us to your shiny little babies. We just wanted to concede the election.
We all voted, fair and square. The real America won when you took your little pencil and bubbled in the circle. It’s like the SAT, except this time you got the result you wanted. We’ll shut up now.
Not just that, but we’ll use whatever bathroom you want us to. We’ll work or not work. Whatever you say! Husbands will leave their husbands. Wives will leave their wives. Don’t worry about birth control. If we can’t afford it, we’ll all just pinch our knees shut until you, America, come along and pry them apart again. If we get pregnant, you just let us know what we should do! We’re all coming back to church. Your church. Tell us what to bring to that Bible study potluck, and we won’t answer you, but we’ll sure as heckfire bake!
The rest of us are definitely not getting into a Beyoncé-like formation because she did Black Panther stuff while you were trying to watch your football game, and we realize that’s wrong now. You’ve got us right by the pussy, and we promise not to scream if you take your hand away. You can trust us. You can trust us as much as you might trust, say, a New York real estate heir who was convicted of racist housing practices and has been accused in the courts of raping a child. That is to say, you can trust us presidentially. We’ll be quiet back here, and it’s absolutely not because we’re up to anything.