Dick pick article

So last week, the professional overreactors over at Jezebel outed some poor guy who just wanted to trade futures contracts on his couch and send pics of his wee wee to Tinder ladies.

Messaging women pictures of your junk is not a crime. It’s not like it’s rape or beating up a woman in an elevator or something else that is occasionally considered a crime under just exactly the correct circumstances.

Our point is that forcing someone to look at your penis is at worst a hilarious joke and at best a sexy conversation starter between one consenting adult and one woman whose consent is implied by her having parts you want to put your parts in and not bothering to fill them in with gutter caulk.

As if not having his dick appreciated wasn’t enough for poor Tom, now the story has led to some pretty typical Daily Dot handwringing over the whole misunderstanding.

But what part does the woman play in all of this? Is there anyone out there seriously willing to tell us that a chick on Tinder hasn’t seen her share of peen?

Seriously, can anyone tell us? Tinder doesn’t currently provide those analytics.

Instead being all Betty Bonerkill about this whole non-story, we here at Bathshebas are gonna coolgirl the shit out of the situation. Tom, don’t worry son. Just sit back and unbutton your fly while we white queen ladysplain some dick pic best practices for you.

1) Surprise Her

As a red pill man like you well knows, females can see peen any time, anywhere. What makes yours special? The element of surprise. She’s not expecting that new message icon to be just a warm up act for Pokey Robinson and the Miracles. It’s like getting a birthday call from her Gammy only to answer the phone and find out that Gammy died—but with your penis! And if there’s one thing bitches love, it’s their dead grandmothers.

2) Location, Location, Location

Now we here at Bathshebas have received unsolicited dick pics taken everywhere from Guadalajara glory holes to the picturesque Gowanus canal. We recommend that you don’t try to dazzle us, just a quick pump and snap in front of your mom’s fuzzy toilet seat cover with your phone raised high enough to show off her avocado colored laminate countertops is enough to show us you’re a tenderhearted fella who loves his momma enough to come out of your room for Sunday dinner before you retreat to the John to thoughtfully whip it out before we even thought to ask.

3) Keep Trying!

Now any alpha as fuck PUA worth the crease in his triby will tell you that females are not human beings whose diverse collection of life experiences have coalesced to shape a unique worldview by which she understands herself and her relationships to others. Females are a numbers game. Like Sudoku without the logic. So keep trying. Whether its ten nos or ten thousand, the master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried. /r/GetMotivated.

4) Don’t Let It Get You Down

Tom, we know it must hurt for some entitled female to say stuck up shit like “Stop messaging me” when you send her earnest pictures of your crotch katana, but you gotta keep your head up. You shouldn’t be dismissed just because your behavior and physical presentation of yourself don’t line up with generally agreed upon societal norms. What are you, a woman?

You just keep being awesome because you’re a white man. And aside from a few fleeting hours of Internet mockery, no one, and we mean no one, is going to try and stop you. *

*For real, we cannot stress enough how few people will try and stop you. Not the police, not elected officials, probably not even your own mother if that stuck up cunt finds her on Facebook. Entire news programs will be dedicated to dismissing your behavior as a harmless side effect of hormonal urges you’re powerless against. You should just go nuts because that shit seems great.