Hobbylobby

Today, a split Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that corporations should not be required to provide reproductive choice insurance for employees.

"Any suggestion that for-profit corporations are incapable of exercising religion because their purpose is simply to make money flies in the face of modern corporate law," wrote Justice Anthony Alito, adding, “plus those flat chested glitter twats still working at Hobby Lobby past the age of 24 probably wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway, amirite?”

Justice Antonin Scalia agreed, writing in his own statement, “Look, I’ve seen the women who work at Hobby Lobby, and they don’t need birth control, you know what I’m saying? They’re mostly girls named Trish or Pammy who are really into decorative bathroom decals and watching So You Think You Can Dance with their parents. What they need is higher self-esteem, career counseling, and fathers who haven’t been getting drunk and introducing them as ‘My spinster daughter, Trish’ since they were eleven,” Scalia concluded, adding “High five me, bro” in a later addendum to the press release.

Five male Supreme Court members agreed that, by taking a job at Hobby Lobby, women have tactically conceded that they will shut down their fun bits indefinitely. The sagacious policy makers all insist that religion is at the forefront of their decision. Alito maintained that it would have been unconscionable for the court “to put family-run businesses to the choice of violating their sincerely held religious beliefs”.  

"Plus," Chief Justice John Roberts later added, “I looked at the plaintiffs long and hard while their lawyers were blathering on about God knows what, and I personally wouldn’t have slept with any of them”.

Outside the courthouse, nineteen-year-old Pammy Applewood waves a “Women for Religious Freedom” banner above her eight months’ pregnant belly.

“My preacher told me that taking Satan’s whore candy was the same as sticking a pipe cleaner up my you-know-what,” she says with wide, tear glazed eyes. “And the pipe cleaners on aisle seven should only be used for making paper mache butterflies with my little Kinzleigh,” Applewood proclaims with a tender rub of her belly. “Plus, I know that my Hobby Lobby family is going to fully support my decision to keep my baby as an unwed teenaged mother. Hobby Lobby truly loves their employees as long as they don’t buy into some liberal commie idea that women who have safe, affordable access to birth control will somehow have less unwanted pregnancies and abortions. Jesus said that women shouldn’t put anything into our bodies but Christ’s love and penises, and that’s why America is great.”