In Thursday’s landmark ruling, the Supreme Court voted unanimously in favor of protestors’ right to picket abortion from inside the uteri of abortion seeking women. While the court remains divided on the legality of abortion itself, justices can all agree on the first amendment right of abortion opponents to make their views heard from inside a woman’s body.
"Petitioners wish to converse with their fellow citizens about an important subject on the public streets and sidewalks — sites that have hosted discussions about the issues of the day throughout history," Justice John Roberts wrote in defense of the landmark decision. “It is equally important for petitioners to literally have the freedom to take their “Don’t Kill Your Baby” signs and push them right up into these ladies’ hoo has. Lord knows there’s probably room, lol,” he added.
The decision marks the most important abortion ruling since Roe v. Wade gave women the right to safe and legal abortion. Many justices, including the three female members of the court, are rumored to feel that Roe v. Wade makes abortion less exciting, leaving them longing for the old days where the risk of death and the social stigma around back alley knife and card table poke and tosses really livened things up.
“Women today have gotten soft,” wrote Ruth Bader Ginsburg in defense of the court’s ruling. “In my day, if you wanted to end a pregnancy, you basically had to gnaw the fetus out yourself. Nowadays any old Slutty Sally can just trip up to the clinic and have the thing done in the time it takes to brew an espresso. If it weren’t for these protestors shoving Bibles up these girls’ cootches, they’d never know how easy they have it.”
Eleanor McCullen, the sweet faced grandmother leading the charge for the right to protest abortion anywhere, including right smack in the center of a young girl's’ baby maker, takes a softer view: "We need gentle, loving people that are not judgmental, that are there to help," she said in a recent phone interview. “I believe in two things,” McCullen added, “The Bible and the Constitution. And I believe that both pieces of writing give me the inalienable right to gently, lovingly take my “God Thinks You’re A Whore” pamphlets, pull back a woman’s labia, climb up her vaginal canal, sit down in her uterus, and shout down her pussy hole with my megaphone that I believe she is making the wrong decision about her body. That’s my right as an American and a Christian. Have a blessed day,” McCullen finished, voice breaking with emotion at the validation that comes at the end of a hard fought battle.
Meanwhile, still no comment from the comatose baby incubators in Louisiana.