I mean, I’m a blogger. Full time. I blog for a living in case you didn’t understand the first two sentences. And I got a degree in journalism from a college that costs more per year than most American families make at their jobs (Which I am super against, by the way, because, did I mention that I am Liberal? That ‘s what I went to college for, Arts and Liberalism.)
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I know a little bit more about The Internet than you, so I obviously knew that KFC thing was a hoax right from the beginning. I didn’t say anything right away because I would have looked like an asshole for calling the dog bite girl a faker or whatever, but it’s important for you to know that I totally called it, like, weeks ago.
Because when you know about The Internet, you see these kinds of things all the time. I read roughly forty thousand blogs daily. In fact, I’m reading one in another tab right now and writing a think piece about rape with my foot on my iPad. And when you know about The Internet, you know that every kid missing an eye who pops up in your news feed wearing an adorable little eye patch and claiming to have been kicked out of a fast food place for being disgusting is a fucking liar. It’s The Internet, rubes, grow up.
I mean, sure, dogs ate her eye, and her family didn’t have enough money to keep pouring formula down her feeding tube so they turned to Facebook for help because their insurance is shit and wouldn’t pay for much more than swabbing Betadine on those giant open dog bites all over her tiny body, and when they didn’t get any money her grandmother made up some ridiculous story to try and get someone to help the poor little girl who couldn’t afford special dog bite food, much less a new eye.
But the point is, I was right. I knew it all along.
I’m not trying to rub it in or anything, but if you gave that little girl money you’re a fucking idiot. I’ll bet you toss change to every dirty bum on the street with a sign that says “Homeless Vet, Starving, Please Help”. Well, I’ve got news for you easy marks. That dude is probably just a plain old mentally ill person who’s homeless and starving. Suckers.
Anyway, my point is, you have to be careful on The Internet or else you’ll end up buying eyes for every sad sack little girl who gets her face gnawed off by packs of dogs with some weepy story about people looking at her funny because she’s covered in scars and missing an eye. The Internet is a dangerous place if you don’t know it like I do.