Huckster

Last Thursday at the conservative March for Marriage in Washington, D.C., Mike Huckabee, like a middle-aged, navy suited Jesus delivering a sermon on the mount, aligned himself with another progressive genius, Martin Luther King Jr.

Giving an enraptured speech on the sanctity of marriage, Huckabee quoted Luther’s famous “Letters from Birmingham Jail,” a popular essay about the importance of keeping people in their place, in order to make a case against the true common enemy of America: the gays.

Said Huckabee, “We can never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was 'legal' and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was 'illegal.' It was 'illegal' to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler’s Germany. But I am sure that if I had lived in Germany during that time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers even though it was illegal.”

The Jews in this scenario obviously being conservatives. Or black people. Huckabee was unclear, but one thing is certain: the gays are not the Jews in this complex analogy.

“One time I had a layover on my way to an abortion protest in Virginia and let a gay touch up my hair at the airport salon, and they kept talking about low-lights and fringes, and I left feeling confused and looking modern, and I hated it,” says Rochelle Tumblebox, a stone-jawed March for Marriage attendee. “They just don’t think like us. They don’t deserve the same rights as humans,” the beleaguered woman continued. “And I’m tired of feeling persecuted for thinking that these faggots are unnatural and should be eradicated.”

It’s obvious to traditionally minded Americans that MLK would have proudly stood on that stage with Huckabee hand-in-hand, taking a stand against the persecution of conservatives during this tumultuous time. Just three months ago, marriage inequality freedom riders forcibly protested a gay couple in an NYC subway, and the liberal media would have had them lynched for this alleged hate crime had the police bothered to find the perpetrators.

“I feel like I’m being sent to the social gas chambers just because I want to projectile vomit every time my coworker brings up her gay uncles,” said Lou Don Reynolds from behind his “Gays Burn in Hell” sign, “It’s just not fair.”

While the ghost of assassinated figurehead of the civil rights movement Marin Luther King Jr. declined to comment, one can only assume that by “equality”, he meant “for everyone that doesn’t gross me out”.