Hclinton

For the past week, the Internet has messily ejaculated the story of Hillary Clinton’s successful 1975 defense of an alleged rapist across computer screens everywhere. Conservatives, like insatiable teenage youths, simply can’t stop massaging the story, spouting off headline after headline detailing Clinton as a charlatan and secret rape advocate. In all honesty, they’re going to give the story chafe marks if they can’t leave it be for a couple of hours.

Surprisingly, liberal media outlets seem equally titillated by the idea of Hillary Clinton defending a rapist while mocking the victim. Today, The Daily Beast published an interview wherein the now 52-year-old victim proclaims that Clinton “took [her] through hell”.  And indeed, all evidence points to the fact that forty years ago, Hillary Clinton helped to ruin this sexual assault survivor’s life.

“I’m still going to vote for her,” says feminist Mallory Brown. “That’s awful, but at least Hillary Clinton will never force me to carry my rapist’s baby or tell me that domestic violence is my fault for being unmarried.”

Meanwhile, as white men with sticky keyboards in steamy newsrooms across the country salivate over the tale of a 27-year-old Hillary Clinton overzealously defending her first ever criminal defense case, South Carolina extends “Stand Your Ground” laws to fetuses, ostensibly to adequately arm zygotes with handguns just in case they’re approached by black teenagers with Skittles. (Edit: Apparently the law is not about racism this time. It’s about abortion.) While Louisiana, not to be outdone, insists that brain dead pregnant women must carry fetuses to term before they’re allowed to die. Closer to Clinton’s home, an Arkansas sheriff recently blamed an unwed mother for her own murder.  

“What she did to that poor girl is unconscionable,” says women’s studies professor Marcella Bradley, “but Hillary Clinton might be the only person running for office in 2016 who knows that vaginas aren’t magically equipped with razor wire to keep out unwanted rape sperm. At this point, I don’t know what to do,” she adds, shrugging sadly. “The Second Sex doesn’t actually provide a guide for how to proceed when everybody seems to be pretty much duking it out for who can behave like biggest bag of dicks.”

So, as the four decades old story unfolds and American women are continuously reminded that their biggest champion once suggested that a preteen girl who was hospitalized after her brutal rape may have been making the whole incident up for attention, women’s rights advocates around the country clench their vaginas in unison, wondering if becoming brain dead fetus warmers wouldn’t be the worst thing after all.