Catch your first crimson wave? It’s time to put your grandma panties on and grow the fetch up. If you haven’t already accomplished these things, your life is basically over and no one will ever love you, except that mangy cat no one else would adopt and that girl at Sephora who’s paid to feed on your insecurities. (Seriously, someone tell me. Is my skin really beautiful or do I need primer? I’m so confused, Sephora girl.)
Stop wearing full-coverage grandma panties, even on your period. You’re a total dirty slut if someone sees your panties on your period, but everyone can tell. It’s panty science. “Laundry day” isn’t real. Erase these words from your vocabulary or no one will ever love you.
Find a fattening ingredient to be allergic to. Gluten is a little passé, but like I said, you should’ve done this by now. If you admit you’re on a diet, no one will ever love you.
Look like you woke up airbrushed without makeup and shame everyone else for not being “natural.” Extra points if you post a #nomakeup selfie to IntaFaceTwit #innerbeauty #nofilter #flawless #boyslikeitnatural #Idontneedadermatologist #toobadifyoudontlooklikethis #insertcomplimentsandotherthingshere #TELLMEIMBEAUTIFUL #IknowImhot. If you act like you care about your appearance, no one will ever love you.
Perfect the art of the humblebrag. It’s essential that everyone describe you as “soooo sweet,” but no one ever got there by actually being nice. You really have to guide people’s perception of you, or no one will ever love you.
Have awesome stories from awesome trips with awesome friends and your awesome money that prove how awesome you are. If your life isn’t awesome by now, no one will ever love you.
Have a solid exercise plan to achieve your perfect beach body. I can’t stress enough that you need to start this while you’re still developing or it’s too late. The internet is an unforgiving place, and you will never forgive yourself if any part of you grows except your tits. If you have fat anywhere else, no one will ever love you.
Repost this and every other inane list and quiz to whatever social media outlet is still acceptable. There’s absolutely no other way for everyone to know who you *really* are. If anyone, including yourself, ever finds out who you really are, though, no one will ever love you.
NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU, LOSER.